Wednesday, August 11, 2010

neuro, Evo and the Gnatmobile.

We got a new drink this week.  It comes in a cute, colorful bottle and claims to have nutritional supplements that do all kinds of good things for your mind and body.  It’s called neuro (no capital) and comes in 5 different flavors.
  • neuro SLEEP – ZZZzzz… in every bottle
  • neuro BLISS – happiness in every bottle
  • neuro SPORT – replenishment in every bottle
  • neuro TRIM – A leaner you in every bottle
And my all time favorite
  • neuro GASM
  • passion in every bottle.
My co-worker and I were standing at the front door talking when a Mitsubishi Evo pulls into the parking lot, races towards the front door, coming to an abrupt stop right in front of us.  My co-worker just stood there, I jumped  to the side, out of the way just in case something didn’t go as the Mitsubishi moron planned.  Two guys get out of the car (30+ yr olds, not 17 yr olds) and laughing say something like “Yeah, we’re here to rob you.”  First of all, joking about robbing a convenience s tore is about as funny as yelling “Hi Jack” to your friend as you board an airplane.  Second of all, I wanted my response to be something along the lines of “No you dumbass, I was more afraid you’d miss the brake and come screaming through the front door.” 
You see, many, many years ago, in my mid-twenties, I was in the front passenger seat of a ‘72 Ford LTD Wagon with friends going to the 7-11.  The driver, we’ll call him Tim Cavalier, decided to do the exact same thing except, fortunately, in front of the 7-11 ice machine, instead of the front door.   Fortunately, because his foot slipped off the brake and he ended up parking inside the ice machine.  Only 18 year old I’ve ever known that ended up owning a trashed 7-11 ice machine.  The cashier had a good sense of humor, as we walked through the front door that we avoided by mere feet, she said “I’m sorry, we haven’t installed the drive-thru yet.” 
I parked directly underneath the lights in the parking lot at work tonight, and when I got off work the car was swarming with little flies or gnats.  I think I’m going to start calling the Subaru “The Gnatmobile” (You’ll have to click on the picture if you don’t believe me that there are gnats on the car).


A Paperback Writer said...

Okay, neurogasm beats spotted dick, hands down. Can't you just imagine the board room meetings where these products were discussed and given names? Would they not sort of resemble a lunchtable full of 8th graders???
So "neuro" has to do with the brain. Does that mean if I get one of those neurogasm drinks, I THINK I had sex? Hey, that would definitely be safe sex there. Maybe they should market it that way.

Actually, this stuff makes me think of those patent "medicines" from about 100 years ago. You know, the flavored alcohol with laudenum in it that was supposed to cure everything from "irregularity" to "women's hysterics" to heart disease. What it did was make you too drunk/high to care anymore. This stuff appears to be about the same. what's in those things, anyway?

Max said...

"Okay, neurogasm beats spotted dick, hands down"
Especially since Spotted Dick was named in a culture where it doesn't mean anything suggestive. I liked the image of a bunch of 8th graders, in suits and ties, sitting around a Board table discussing names for their new product. Talk about a great Saturday Night Live skit!
I, of course, had to buy a bottle of neuroGASM and try it. It didn't live up to it's name. I neither believed I had sex, nor even had any vivid dreams last night. It tasted ok, and maybe it has a cumulative effect, but at $2.50 a bottle I'm not going to test that theory.
According to the bottle it contains:
Arginine AKG - improves blood flow
L-Citrulline - enhances the effect of L-Arginine
Acetyl-L-Carnitine - cellular energy and DNA protection
L-Norvaline - extends the life cycle of L-Arginine
L-Phenylalanine - an amino acid associated with mood
Caffeine - energy and alertness
L-Theanine - helps reduce stress
Alpha GPC - helps promote energy and alertness
Inositol - associated with mood and energy
L-Lysine - helps reduce stress and anxiety
They also have this disclaimer on the label:
”These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.”
But it does come in a really sexy, bright red bottle.
Other than Caffeine, the only other thing on the list that I’ve ever heard of is L-Lysine, which works really well at helping prevent cold sores. I used to get them often and bad during stressful times (every fall and spring) and since the secretary at my first school suggested it, I almost never get them. When I do, I just double up on the L-Lysine and the cold sore never fully develops.

A Paperback Writer said...

Acetyl -- isn't that the kind of alcohol that kills you? (Wait, I know: it ALL kills you slowly, but isn't this the same as wood alcohol? Or is that ethyl alcohol?

** opens new window to wikipedia**

Ah, ha! Okay, its cetyl alcohol that's in whale oil and palm oil and is generally bad for you but doesn't kill you.
That Acetyl -l- whatever on the label is actually a plant substance that makes you burn carbs. Okay, shouldn't that one be in the diet drink then?

Ehtyl alcohol is the kind you drink. And wood alcohol is the stuff in antifreeze. Okay, I got it straight now.

At the London Market the other day, I bought a couple of bottles of IRN-BRU. Now that's a drink that'll give you a caffeine buzz for a week.
(Sorry, I can link on a comment.)

Max said...

Now I definitely need to go to the London Market. Gotta try to ask for Spotted Dick without cracking a smile, and try me a bottle of IRN-BRU. Sounds like just the stuff I need to keep me awake in faculty meetings.

A Paperback Writer said...

IRN BRU was invented by the Scots. It has a reputation of being able to cure hangovers almost instantly, and, since the Scottish national pastime is not golf, but rather, binge drinking, the popularity of this drink is thereby explained. Also, since it apparently has the caffeine equivalent of 75 cups of coffee, yeah, it'll keep you awake in faculty meeting -- or a non-stop drive from Utah to Miami, whichever you need.

Max said...

Yeah, I followed your link and read some of the history, something about Glasgow steel workers drinking too much beer because of the heat working with the steel. Amusing stuff.