Sunday, March 21, 2010

Utah Barbies

If you read the comments on the last post, you will know that Writer asked me if I would be able to find this post I made way back in January of 2007.  I did, added the link to the comments.  The link didn’t work, so rather than fight that, I decided to just re-post it.
image "Park City Barbie"She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a  million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
image "Draper Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. 
image "Kearns  Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.
image"East Bench Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
image "Riverton Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
image "Emigration Canyon Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as  newly built high rise  condo. 
image "Tooele Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. 
image " The Avenues Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two  Avenues  Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,  you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.  
image "West Valley Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. 
image "Provo Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.


A Paperback Writer said...

Oh, bless you!!! This is SO funny, and I'd wanted to read it again for quite some time now. I truly appreciate the re-run post.

This Place is a Disaster! said...

I personally feel that the kearns and West Vallley dolls should be switched . . . having just moved out of Kearns!!!

Anonymous said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read on someone's blog. Good work Max! Insightful and hilarious. Love the visual accompaniments.


Max said...

Thanks. I wish I could take credit for coming up with these, but alas, they were sent to me in an email a long time ago.

The Gearheads said...

There is nothing on the "Hackingpowell" Barbie... I guess it's just cause she's missing, but can you still get the "coming up with stories to cover your back" Ken?

Max said...

Ok, now that was good!