Saturday, November 28, 2009

Chain email of the year.

Thanks to jmpnmark for this one.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. 
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. 
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life. 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. 
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. 
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p..m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... a German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

sartin

9 comments:

A Paperback Writer said...

Gee, I'd never heard the one about the African spider.
Still, it's nice to know that urban legends still exist.

Oh, and you can still buy Coke. Just use it to clean your toilet and kill any large AFrican spiders lurking there.

Max said...

I hadn't heard about half of them, but I still like how it makes fun of those stupid "warning" emails that people blindly forward to everyone without even thinking about what they are doing.

TM.Cavalier said...

But its true! They claimed they confirmed it on snopes! That's what the e-mail said. No way they would put that on it if it was a hoax.

Max said...

Hey TMC, I stand corrected. You're right.
By the way, want to buy some beach front property out in Eureka?

Jannx said...

A very enjoyable blog entry. Thanks for sharing.

TM.Cavalier said...

Not if I have to live next to Dee & Doug Wright. Silver City perhaps?

Max said...

No beachfront property in Silver City, but I have a parcel there that is guarantted to have an active gold mine on it. Interested?

This Place is a Disaster! said...

True, water boiled in the microwave will blow up in your face . . . sometimes, if it happens to build up the propper pressure and can't release it. I've seen it with my own eyes - AND I watched it on Alton Browns show!!!

Max said...

Actually so can an egg. I've seen that happen. That's why everything with microwave directions says to let it sit for 60 seconds before taking it out.