Saturday, January 26, 2008

Junior "G" Man Limits Loot of Nebulous Nabbers.

Associated Press, Sugarhouse, Utah. Johnny "Bloodhound" Dorkman thwarted two would be thieves from a major haul. "If it weren't for me, they just might have gotten away with FOUR bricks instead of two!" boasted Dorkman. "I just wished I had been armed, then I could have followed the one culprit into the covered parking at the bank, and he wouldn't have gotten away."
I don't remember what the episode was about, but I can picture the scene from The Simpsons where Chief Wiggum is sitting at his desk pretending to type on a non-existent typewriter, taking the statement from someone he considers to be a prank.
I can't make this stuff up. Sam on the Bus of Death (see earlier post), broken headlights and pulled over thrice by the same cop, finger in the gas tank and now the Junior "G" Man. Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm just pulling their leg. Trust me it's all true, I'm not that creative. This crap actually happens to me.
I drive down 2100 So every day on my way to work, and I knew they were redeveloping the Blue Boutique corner but none the less it was a shock yesterday when I noticed the corner had been leveled. So today I decided to take a walk down there to get pictures. I have a whole bunch of "before" pictures and I want to do a comparison. You know, before, during and after. I had already taken all my pictures, circled the whole block, and was sitting on a bench that looks over the destruction. After a few minutes I noticed this teenage girl who had snuck over, under or through the fence and was taking close up pictures of what was left of the building with her cell phone. She looked like she had probably spent a lot of time at Sugarhouse Coffee, dressed all in black, the make-up and everything indicative of Emo, so I snapped a couple of human-interest pictures of her. She looks over at me and gives this impish little shrug and puts a finger to her mouth in the "shhhh" gesture. I do the same back, letting her know I'm not about to call the cops on her. Well, I didn't, at least. She starts picking through the rubble looking for a souvenir to take, so I walk over to the fence to ask her to grab something to me. As I'm walking over and before I can ask, she comes over to the fence, hands me a 6" chunk of the facade and says "this is for you." As I walk back to my seat I finally realize that this guy standing in the middle of the street on his cell phone is apparently giving a description of us to someone, I'm guessing the police. I heard him say, as he was looking at me, "with glasses and". I didn't hear the rest, but decided that it was time to head home. Now, I wasn't really too worried about running into the police, I'm not sure what the penalty for "Receiving Stolen Rubble" is, but I was afraid of losing my little piece of Sugarhouse history. I already lost my Deadhorse Point Road sign a couple years back, I didn't want this taken away too. So, I left. Headed to the corner and up north on 1100 East. Got to the corner and realized this guy is following me!, keeping the party on the other side of his cell phone informed as to my movements. I have to admit, at this point I started getting a little creeped out. I really didn't want this guy following me all the way home. Fortunately, this is the point he gave up the chase, and stayed on the other side of 2100 South, watching me and relaying my position. So, I decided "f" this, took my glasses off, cut through the covered parking of the Wells Fargo Bank, up the alleyway to Hollywood Avenue, across to McClelland, up to Ramona, over to 1100 East, across to Ramona again and home. I knew the cops were probably pulling a Cheif Wiggums and not really too interested in the Great Rubble Heist of 2008, but I've watched too much CSI and Law & Order not to have this weak feeling of being hunted. And I really, really didn't want Junior "G" Man to see me going into my house. So, I kept an eye out, looked up and down the street before turing into my driveway and I'm gonna lay low for the weekend until the heat cools off. (I am just kidding about that last part, I've already been out of the house to go to Home Depot.) Anyway, I'm home safe and sound, it's been 4 hours now and the cops haven't battered down my front door, so I figure it's safe to go out into society again.....


A Paperback Writer said...

You know why this happened to you, don't you? Remember your post on the mom in the minivan who helped the security guard track down the robber? You wanted to be part of it. Well, now you were part of it -- just on the other side.
Yes, I am proud to know a small-time criminal now.
Oh, and, although I can't quite be on the same level as the great rubble heist of 2008, I do still have a piece of glass pilfered from the Foothill Village fire of '78 (or so-- can't quite remember) and a few chunks of granite from the leftovers piled in Old Deseret Village after the completion of the LDS conference center a few years back.
The police haven't come after me yet, either.....
But you and I may have to serve time together if word gets out via this blog.
Where'd'ja get the police drawing thing?

Max said...

Don't worry Writer. TRhey can grill me for hours, deprive me of food and water, get out the wet noodles and I won't turn on ya. Even Senator McCarthy couldn't have gotten me to talk.
As for the picture, I just strolled down to the local precinct and asked them for a copy. No, really, I had my roommate draw it for me.

A Paperback Writer said...

Okay, I feel safe with you. whew. what a relief. I was scared there for awhile.
And of course, posting this on a public blog on the internet guarantees my secret will be safe with you.
McCarthy would've LOVED the Patriot act, wouldn't he?

jannx said...

Interesting incident. Strange, but interesting. Also, I should have read this post before leaving a comment on the other one about "pictures and words speaking". Hopefully, there is nothing more to the incident.

Max said...

Pardon my French, but McCarthy would have creamed his jeans over the Patriot Act. (I really did try to come up with a better way of saying that, but nothing I could think of properly expressed the way I felt it would effect Senator McCarthy). Man, just think how much more he could have done without being reigned in by those pesky senate committees. We might never have recovered.