Domicile Colonoscopy.

My house had a colonoscopy tonight.

Well, what else would you call it when some professional runs a camera down the poop chute looking for unwanted growths.  So what if it’s the sewer line and the growths are tree roots?

The good news is that my pipes look pretty good.  Almost all the roots were hair sized and just growing through the joints.  No damage.  So, it looks like I’m not going to have to do the $9,000 replacement, he just got out his other machine and cut out most of the roots.  He’ll be coming back later in the week to treat the lines with root killer, and he says that if I kill the roots every 2 years or so I should be fine for years to come.

The only thing I find weird is that the camera has a microphone.  I mean, what would you have to listen to down a sewer line?

All is better than well.

Colonoscopy done.  Like my older brother warned me, the worst part of the whole thing is the 24 hours before the procedure.  I was knocked out for the actual event, and after just a couple hours I was up and feeling (relatively) normal.

I knew I picked the right doctor when, as they were prepping me, they asked me my birthday.  When I told them it was April 13^th, one of the nurses told me that was her birthday too, but not the same year.  Then I said something about how I turned 13 on Friday the 13^th and she started laughing.  She was born in ‘88 had her 13^th birthday was on a Friday too.  Weird coincidence, and it might have been the anesthesia kicking in, but all of a sudden I felt a lot more relaxed.

And it was good news.  Not a single polyp.  Nothing. Nada.  Told me not to come back for ten years, 2021.

Whew!  Now I can watch those Doug Miller PSA commercials without feeling even a twinge of anxiety, just the sorrow for the preventable loss his family is living with.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Last night I had a light supper, 4 laxatives and an Olympic sized pool of water.  All I’ve had all day today is water, water and chicken broth.  And more laxatives.

About 5 PM my swamp cooler* sucked in all the smells of a class A barbeque.  My house, full of the smell of perfectly seared beef.  And me, with a stomach full of nothing but liquids.

Son-of-a

Next time, I schedule my colonoscopy in the winter.

*For those of you in more humid areas, the swamp cooler is basically a huge fan on the roof of my house that sucks in outdoor air through wet pads to cool off the house.  When I moved out to Utah from Massachusetts and heard this, I thought “You put MORE water into the air?”

Colonoscopy

Well, I finally made the appointment.  A year late, but I just wanted to wait until I was out of school so I wouldn’t have to use 2 sick days.  I’ve heard the preparation the day before is a lot of fun.  Gotta stay home, close to the toilet.

I kinda feel like Cartman in the first episode of South Park.  If I show up and anyone in the office looks like that guy on the left, I’m leaving.